Originally Posted March 28, 2018
So, let’s pick up on my latest dating venture through heartbreak city again. The next thing that happened was this guy told me his life was difficult and he was taking a break from dating, but he “thought I was fantastic” and we should still talk. The begining of the semester he showed up in my life again and seemed like he was serious. He even decided we’d move this from an online messenger to texting. Now most of my friends will tell you I hate my phone. They can never get me to talk on it. They would probably send a big thanks to this jerk though because I have now become more familiar with my phone again and have actually talked to my friends for the first time in years on the phone. See, there are some silver linings to every horrible situation!
He still never asked me on a date or to spend time with him, but swore it was because he was so busy that he just didn’t have the time to make a trip down to see me…I don’t drive but was planning on taking lessons to share the burden of the 45 minute drive with him. Every single Friday I hoped he would be able to make time to see me for the weekend. And every single Friday we followed the exact same routine. He was responsive to any text I sent him all week long but come Friday he was unreachable the minute I asked the question “Hey can we hang out? Are you busy this weekend?” And every weekend I was in a mess. I wasn’t sure whether to be angry, be upset and worried, be sad? The one thing I can tell you I was sure of was I wasn’t happy. Listen ladies and guys…life is hard enough. If trying to love someone is turning you into the most miserable person to be around, it’s time to take a real good look at the relationship. I’ve noticed I’m just now starting to resume normal weekend life in a good mood and it is the weirdest thing ever. I’ve instantly noticed how much I was missing out on because of my toxic relationship, or lack thereof, that I was twisted up in. The person you were meant to be with will make you happier…no it’s not always rainbows and sunshine…but you won’t be a ball of gloom and misery either. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells to not upset the situation, get out!
We argued every week over this. He usually promised me he would make time to come down and then never mentioned it again. I never brought it up because I didn’t want to rock the boat. Every weekend I had to explain to him basic respectful behavior of simply giving me a yes or a no. That’s what really kills me; if he had just told me no he wasn’t available that week but at least made me a priority somewhere I would have been fine. He promised he would be more respectful and by Sunday we were back to sweet messages through the week again. I realized he had a very demanding job that he just recently started and had just recently relocated to a new state, but if you are going to date you do have to see the girl sometimes. I’ve since found out that he had plenty of time for other people on the weekend, just not me. He also informed me he didn’t check his phone that often so that’s why he didn’t answer this particular question. Even when I got him to text me back regarding trying to hang out he never would say yes or no. He gave me wild explanations of what he was doing that took him twice as long to write out than simply writing yes or no. If anyone has a clue what that was about, please let me know! But as soon as the break up hit, he was back on Plenty of Fish and Bumble. I’m sorry, don’t you have to be on your phone or somehow connected to the internet to fool with those things? So why did he have time to play on dating apps on the phone after he essentially ghosted me to get a break up when he didn’t have time to talk to me on the phone when he had me? I wasn’t a priority. So make sure you are a priority with a person before you invest in them. You’ll only get hurt if you make them a priority and they get the best of you when they are feeding you the scraps. I’ve learned the “term” for this is called bread crumbing. You’re worth more than crumbs!
And don’t fall for the I’m so busy tag line. I just saw a meme that said Jonah could talk to God inside the belly of a whale so I think you can answer a text. Some people have demanding and long jobs. That’s completely understandable and if you can’t handle someone having to attend to those things as well as you so they may see you a little less time, then don’t date someone with a demanding job. In my case, I’m now about 90% sure I wrote a sweet text that I set an alarm for 8am on a Saturday morning to send telling my jerk that I hoped he had a wonderful day at a faculty get together he was supposed to be attending to make friends and further his career when he was drinking with his new friends. This was one of the only times I actually got a straight no answer out of him. Did I make a scene and freak out? Nope! I was completely supportive and encouraging like a good girlfriend should be. Did he go to a faculty meeting…I’m guessing no as he posted a pic with his buddy where he was out drinking and not to discriminate, but he didn’t look much like a professor to me. I’m just saying Mohawks and professors just aren’t the norm.
So what did I learn from this? A few things. First off, no date means no investment. If someone can spend a month and a half coming up with anything to do but take you on a date then you need to realize the fact of the matter is they don’t consider you important enough to take on a date. Not only are you not a priority they will treat you worse when you continue to hang about and allow them to do this to you as it shows them you don’t respect yourself either. Next, if someone makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells at the start of a relationship, the relationship needs some serious evaluation. Being in love, especially the “honeymoon” period where you just started dating and can’t get enough of each other, is supposed to be a happy occasion not make you miserable. Also, if they aren’t answering you, then use your four letter word…NEXT! Don’t waste your time on the algae growing on the side of the tank and miss getting to know the cute starfish right in front of you. Some people counter this with just having multiple dates at the same time. I’m not into that but I can see the benefits of having that in this case. But last of all, and my biggest lesson, sometimes you are such a great person you just don’t catch the lies you are being fed. I really did believe, at first but not anymore, that he was struggling and really busy. I bought all those lies and to be honest I’m not sure there was a red flag. A lot of the lies initially made sense. But the thing with lies is eventually they will slip up. You don’t have to remember things if you tell the truth but the lies will eventually slip the liar up. You’ll catch on. When you do, don’t ignore it. Take in the information and take action from there. When you can’t catch them until you’re in the game a little further along and you hate yourself for being so stupid, just remember, don’t regret being a good person to anyone. Your behavior says everything about you and their behavior says enough about them. When you figure out what their behavior says about them and it’s not good, don’t you dare regret that you treat people well. Simply understand being a good person doesn’t mean others will return the act, but you have to live with your actions. You can chose to walk away from their actions.