Dating

What You Get When You Don’t Remember Your Worth

 

Originally posted on March 22, 2018

I decided to start dating again after about nine years being out of the scene.  Man, things have changed!  I can honestly say I have now been in a “relationship” for two months without ever having gone on a date.  I hear there’s a term for this called “almost relationship”  WHAT?  I met this guy who I thought was just too good to be true…and he was.  HE gave me the sweetest pick up line I’ve ever heard.  We had similar interests…I majored in psychology and he did too and teaches it now.  He was good looking.  He was a Christian.  WOW, How’d I luck out so fast?  There’s so much I could write about this experience…It will take a few posts and I guess my purpose is to get it out of my system.

He came down and we talked a bit and watched a movie.  There was some heavy petting, but no sex.  This was still my mistake number one.  I’m so naïve.  It took me months to figure out what Netflix and chill really means.  That’s just me.  I’ve been trampled on by being this way, but I still just can’t seem to help it.  Ladies, if he isn’t take you on a real date and you won’t want Netflix and chill, there’s just one four letter word for what to do with a guy who doesn’t properly ask you out and act like a gentleman from the very beginning…NEXT!  This guy never asked me out.  I flat out asked him when he was going to ask e out and he told me to be patient.  Girls, if a guy really likes you he will ask you out.  I know we all make fun of the whole “He’s Just Not That Into You” bit, but this is just that plain and simple.  And if he doesn’t there’s two things that might be happening.  The first is he isn’t looking for a girl to take out and have a relationship with.  He’s looking to simply meet his needs when he needs them.  The second is he needs a lot of self work before he is ready to be in any relationship.  If a guy says he wants a relationship, but never goes on a date something is just horribly wrong.  The same goes for a girl doing this to a guy.  Sorry guys, I’m a girl so I write in the female perspective, but by no means should you guys put up with this out of a girl either.  IF she had to think about going out with you or she’s constantly avoiding you, NEXT!  you deserve the same respect!  There’s nothing wrong with needing to work on yourself before you’re ready for that date, but it becomes you faults when you don’t acknowledge that you need that and trample on someone who is ready for that date’s heart.  Unfortunately, just as someone likely hurt you and put you in this position, you’ve now hurt someone else and it becomes that person who allowed you to do that to them, the ones who have put up with our routine and invested in you, that have to take responsibility for it.  Why?  Because our own hearts are hurt and although it sure would be nice to hear a sincere apology from the one who did it, we have to fix them to be ready for our next date.  How?

I wish I knew.  My own heart is still breaking.  I imagine some time, some perspective, some more of my friends making fun of the situation to make me feel better, and maybe finding a Danielle Steel novel that doesn’t have the jerk’s name as one of the main characters will help.  Maybe my therapist slapping her hands into her head and saying you are better than this to me will do it.  Maybe I will find a real good guy who restores my faith in humanity.  But here’s what I do know I need to do next time to save myself the pain instead of dealing with someone else’s pain they don’t want to manage.

  1. I now have a list of 11 standards that must be met.  None of them are superficial things.  These are things like must be an active Christian, must not smoke or do drugs or have addictions, must be respectful and not lie.  It’s not things like must have brown hair and blue eyes and ride in on a white horse.  If someone can’t meet these standards, they aren’t the one for me.
  2. If someone spills their deep dark secrets on the first date, you probably need to be careful.  Don’t you feel like you need to reciprocate it either.  I shared things with this guy before I would have felt comfortable to do so because he shared a major hurt with me and I thought by sharing with him I could help him through his hurts.  I think some information is fair like I warn people I have PTSD because if I were to have an episode in a first date then I would want them to have a clue what was happening.  I don’t give them specific details.  Guard your personal information a bit.  Once they know it, they know it, and if they are breaking up with you or ghosting you in a couple of weeks it will drive you insane.  Honestly, I am pretty open with my information because I have written about my PTSD, but I still feel like an idiot for what I shared with him.  Again, don’t invest that early in a relationship.
  3. If they aren’t asking you some questions about yourself or they are dodging questions about themselves, that should be a red flag.  Only invest into someone else what they are investing into you.  If they don’t want to know anything about you, then how are you going to communicate or get to know one another?  Likewise, if everything in their life is secret and they will never tell you, how do you have a relationship?  You can’t.  Sorry, you have to risk getting hurt to find love, there’s simply no way around it.  If they ask for your number and then never call or ghost, or worse, zombie you then they just don’t give the impression that they are serious.  Would they do an employer this way and expect to be taken seriously?  Of course not and you shouldn’t take them seriously either.  Decide if you want to even continue talking to them, but if you do, do not get invested yet.  Maybe they are shy and got flustered and it’s safe to eventually start investing, but more than likely they will just ghost you again.

I don’t know how our society got this way.  Dating wasn’t this way that long ago.  In this environment there’s people looking for everything and I don’t understand why people can’t just be clear on their intentions.  I can’t understand why I tried to date a psychology professor who is teaching graduate students (ethics no less) and is behaving like he has personality disorders.  I would kinda like to let his class have a crack at helping me figure out what is wrong with him.  But it just goes to show that someone can be great in other areas of their life and just really screw up with the people they are dating.  This is a classic move of narcissists and emotionally unavailable guys.  I said that early into this affair when I told him he treated his students with respect and his mother with respect, but not me and then had to try to explain basic proper behavior to him.  This is a toxic person and you won’t win.  Even if it looks like a match made in heaven, you need to guard yourself.  People don’t always show their true colors at first.  You are your best, final, and only line of defense and unfortunately this isn’t “Men In Black” and once you make a mistake with your worth there is nothing as simple as a “normalizer” to help you undo your mistake

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