So let’s get right into it… how the heck do we even give these emotionally unavailable people the chance to get us addicted to them in the first place? The answer is fairly simple even though we miss it in real life; it’s a game of smoke and mirrors that get us geared up to start making behavioral responses creating the unfixed ratio we last talked about. Let’s fan out the smoke and break the mirrors.
Emotionally unavailable people do the first part of relationships well. They seem to be “good guys” or “good girls” that would be relationship material. They are experts at flirting and getting you hooked. Narcissists and emotionally unavailable people look very similar here. Both engage you and will ultimately dump you and both typically have poor self-esteem, although they will try to get you to believe they are “good guys” or “good girls”. And you will, because just because their relationships are messed up other areas of their life will back up their disguise and you’ll think you’ve really struck gold with a person who seems to have their life and relationships in order. Remember, these types of people are masters of disguise. The difference between the narcissist and the emotionally unavailable person is that the latter does really want to be loved while a narcissist is just out to use you for supply. In fact, most emotionally unavailable people have no clue why their relationships keep failing and can’t even see their problem.
So, the problem for emotionally unavailable people is when that smoke gets blown away when you do the thing that scares them the most; you try to get to know them. Now they play the mirror game. They try to give you the illusion that you know them, but if you sit down and actually list what you know about them, you’ll find you know your tenth cousin twice removed better. Most of what you “know” about them they probably haven’t even confirmed, but is your vague observation stemming from the best you know of their behavior patterns. They don’t spend time with you or ask you many, if any, questions about yourself because they make have to reciprocate information then. They won’t even answer simple questions you might even talk with strangers about like what’s your favorite football team. If you bring it up, they will ignore you, change the topic to something vague, or flat out tell you that they won’t share things about themselves and they are sorry if that doesn’t work for you. In other words, they are the world champions at dodgeball. And you, my fellow pushed away and hurt friend, have now spent so much time chasing those illusions and trying to invoke responses from them that you think are rewards and even progress, are knee deep in an addictive behavior pattern you think is love just to be completely lost when the lights go out and the even the smoke and mirrors disappear. And the closer you get to try to get these emotionally unavailable people to interact or, God forbid, you actually figure them out, the closer you are to that light going out.
We’ll dig into what causes this emotional unavailability in a later blog, but what you need to hear is that you never had a chance at winning this. Emotionally unavailable people have low self-esteem, haven’t realized they are responsible for fixing whatever is wrong which usually they aren’t even to blame for, and they are waiting for an imaginary hero to save them. In my own experience I actually found myself saying “Let me prove not all women are going to hurt you”. Honey, that’s not a love you are nurturing, that’s an enmeshed therapist chasing a client. Now, I’m not saying we can’t be open to nurturing someone with baggage…Lord I have my own and I hope I eventually find someone willing to put up with me as I work on it…but how can you help someone swim who won’t even get in the water? You can’t. I promise there’s nothing you could have done to help the emotionally unavailable person you are crying over until they decide they want to help themselves and quit hiding. There’s no hero coming in another person. I want to add here, I realize most emotionally unavailable people have usually had some kind of trauma happen that has made them close up to protect themselves. I kinda went through this, but I never tried to date at the time, so I get it, and for me, it makes it even sadder to watch someone I thought I wanted to love struggle that hard, but you can’t force someone to chose healing.
To recap: the relationship starts out looking normal, the person starts out looking like a dream, and because it starts out normal, you don’t get out soon enough when it starts looking abnormal because you are essentially in a carnival of fun mirrors trying to add up facts that don’t jive so you stick around trying to win the rigged carnival game.
We are going to try to figure out how you can more quickly identify an unavailable person and avoid this mess in another blog, but first we are going to continue looking at the dynamics of how this happens in the next couple of posts looking at brain chemistry in relationships and a process known as triangulation so you better understand what is happening because, honestly, that is one of the keys to getting the heck out before you get hurt yourself.
I want to note that I didn’t cite any sources in this blog because these are my original explanations. I’ve not seen this explained this way anywhere, but have just done some broad research in the topic of what emotional unavailableness looks like and compared that to my relationship and the schooling I’ve had in psychology as an undergraduate. You’ll see the bigger concepts of behavior fit emotionally unavailable people doing a general google search, but this is my own theory. If you want to look more at the behaviors emotionally unavailable people exhibit I will direct you to my own dating coach, who I can not possibly say enough good things about by the way, Adam LoDolce the creator of Sexy Confidence. He has a video up about this topic on YouTube at Adam LoDolce YouTube on Emotional Unavailability and there is a guy I have watched some videos from named Jayson Gaddis who claims to be a reformed (this happens a lot of the time thank goodness) emotionally unavailable guy. While I have not taken any courses from him I have listened to a couple of webinars and he confirms my research so I will also recommend you give him a look at Jayson Gaddis
A small house keeping note…I finished all my doctor appointments except getting a home nurse for a couple of weeks after surgery set up and I should be basically back on schedule next week, and it doesn’t look like my surgery is getting scheduled until late August so thank you thank you thank you for putting up with my sporadic posting as I’ve dealt with this! 🙂