Finding love shouldn’t be about trying to remedy your loneliness or find happiness in another person. I’ve met several guys and read numerous stories of women who met guys who just wanted to grab someone’s hand and run for an alter. I’m sure there are female equivalents. Today I want to talk about my own experiences and what I’ve learned about what state you should be in if you are serious in looking for a partner.
You are the only person who can decide to be happy. I say decide because things happen in life that are less than joyful, but you can choose to still be happy. Love is much the same way. It is not a feeling you can rely on; it is a choice. You are not going to be perfectly content all the time with someone. It will require interpersonal skills and a commitment. So if you think finding love is just going to make you insanely happy, you are wrong. The honeymoon period eventually ends and real life will set in.
So you should be in the right frame of mind to find love. I felt like I had that down, but I quickly realized I had another problem. Having anxiety, I don’t go out very much and I felt like a very boring person. I quickly realized I needed to focus on some things I enjoyed more. I was starting graduate school soon and had my writing so I felt that area of my life was in order. I think it’s fine if you are a homebody, just so long as you have active interests that fulfill you and give you things to focus on in life. For me, I started hanging out at a little coffee shop, making sure I went to the movies every so often, and got engaged with some activities at my church. Although I don’t enjoy going out a bunch, I tried to make sure I was getting out at least once every two weeks with someone. If you don’t have something to talk with someone about it gets rather boring. Worse case scenario, you end up like the guy I was talking to who said all he did was sit around and think about me. That’s rather creepy especially when you take into consideration that I had only sent three texts in two days and had never been out with him. You are much more attractive to someone if you are into living your life.
In my next blog I am going to go a little more in-depth with how being so absorbed in a relationship actually pushes people away rather than toward you. I’ve had two guys who just didn’t keep the tension in the relationship that made it fun, but instead rushed so much it felt insincere and crazy. It definitely pushed me away.
For now, my message is don’t fall so hard so fast. We tend to focus on the relationship more once we are into it with someone, but we need to remember to keep our own things going. That is what made you attractive to the other person to begin with. Being in a relationship should be about two whole people coming together to create an union. You will simply never find happiness or yourself in trying to create a relationship.