I haven’t written any blogs since I started graduate school for the most part.  It has been  much more writing intensive than I imagined and I want to do anything but write now to relax…when I even have free time.  In the last week, however, I’ve taken in so much new information and at the moment I don’t have anyone to share it with that would understand so I found myself writing.  I don’t know how often I’ll post…it’s my third term and I’m trying hard to find the time to keep up blogs, but I am crunching a two year program into one year so we’ll see what happens.  I have so much more material I could write about from just this week, I may have to make the time.  For this post, I’m starting with the easier one.  I found out I am demisexual.  While I don’t identify with all of it, I finally saw put into words how relationships work for me…well lol don’t work for me…and I finally don’t feel so weird…there’s more of us out there!

I’m on the asexual spectrum and I need an emotional connection…a strong one…before I even feel attracted to someone.  I don’t even really care much about how someone looks at first.  I need someone who intellectually stimulates me, provides me with encouragement and really cares about me, and someone who will share their deepest thoughts with me.  The thing for me that is the biggest turn on would be to form a deep bond with me that I could trust them completely with me.  Cuddling is mandatory…it’s actually the only part I really care about.

I now this sounds crazy to some, but I now if someone has a chance at making me feel this way in the first ten minutes of our conversation.  If I want to keep talking to them after that, we have something.  Honestly, it works this way for friends and potential relationships for me.  I have plenty of acquaintance friends, but I don’t have many close friends and I don’t feel this way much dating either.

In this day and age, most guys send me a picture of their penis before I even know their name.  It is gross and a huge turnoff for me…there’s no recovery.  I can’t deal with the disappointment of this swipe culture where there are no bios worth anything and I can’t base a decision on a picture because not much about that matters to me.  Then I have the nice conversations.. that are so boring… there’s no spark…I just want to bail.  I’m tired of the same questions with no originality to them.  I now I don’t even want to talk to the person and they are making an effort to get to know me and I feel bad because I’m already done.  They can’t understand it…me either, but I know how I feel.

Then the other problem comes out.  I have had a bad past that I have been open about in the past few years as I want it to make a difference to others to redeem it.  There’s just certain things that give me the feeling of being back in those bad family relationships.  I’ve made the mistake of letting others in my life that have also been narcissists…I attract them…and at this point I’m so on guard that I freak out the minute I get a feeling.  It’s an excellent way to destroy close relationships of any kind.  I’ve been ore open with my past, but I am a very private person when it comes to my emotions so when I trust someone enough to share my feelings, I somehow always manage to screw it up and push them away.  Usually this happens when I misunderstand something and hear messages from my past… “You aren’t good enough.”, “you are making a big deal out of nothing”, “You aren’t anything to me except when I need you for my pleasure to make you do stuff for me.”  then I lose someone close to me.  By the time I’ve calmed down enough to realize they meant none of those things were what they meant, they don’t want to listen to me anymore.

And that’s where I am now.  The guy I was talking to didn’t want the way I was treating him…but I forgot because my emotions were so happy…and drove him nuts.  I want him in my life as more than a friend, even if it’s not a romantic relationship for him…we had said we were just going to have fun and enjoy each other’s company from the beginning…but then I went and had one of those moments on him and I don’t think I can undo the damage to get what I want.  I don’t blame him, but I wish he new I understood he didn’t mean any of those things an I understood him now, but I don’t think I can get him to even listen to me.  Once I realized, I was so sorry, but I blew it in the moment.  Now that I understand my feelings weren’t necessarily romantic feelings but that was all I knew how to handle them at the moment, I’d be thrilled with what he did want to have with me.  I wish he didn’t think I’d keep treating him like a Disney story and alternate it with a complete psychopath.  I wish we both had communicated better…if he had told me earlier or in a different way (like he finally did) I wouldn’t have freaked out.  I just wish I could have that back and be happy.

I still want to date, but knowing now that I am demisexual, I doubt it’s going to happen fast or easy.  I doubt swiping right is going to work out…although I guess it did this past time as far as finding someone that sparked.  I’ve only had the feeling I had for this guy two other times…once with a guy over ten years ago and my best friend.  It’s like I met these people and I knew them my whole life and just feel connected to them.

When the guy I was talking to was trying to explain what he needed he told me it was like cheesecake.  I wish he would have just used the right words for it so I could have understood.  I’m not going to talk about him except as a reference on here…he’d hate that and I respect him too much to do that to him so we aren’t going to analyze him.  I guess I can appreciate his metaphor though now as I struggle to explain how I feel and how demisexual is different to my friends.  I guess it’s like this; cheesecake is my favorite (for real in real life too lol) and I can’t often find it, but it’s the only dessert I want.  And it’s like that for friends and relationships.

The last thing is I’m beginning to feel like no one is ever going to put up with me because I’m so on guard.  I feel like if I make one mistake and share an emotional moment, the guy is out.  I don’t know how to make that better for the guy.  I’ve attracted so many bad people though, I need some protection for myself.  I wish I could find a cheesecake guy who could tell me to calm down in a way that doesn’t upset me more and would talk to me when I lose it…or teach me not to lose it because they would feel so safe to me.  I don’t tend to lose it often but one mistake usually costs me the connection with the guy.  Is there some program on how to tell a guy you’re freaking out but trying not to?  Sign me up!  I do eventually want to get married and have kids…I’m 34 so tick tock…I just wish I had the cheesecake guy I was talking to back in a way that made us both happy right now…it looks like I’m stuck with pie though.


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